I once had someone say to me recently, “I just wish <this person> could be more sensitive, loving, and caring”. Now in this particular situation I had to ask, “Do you feel <this person> does not love you”? “No!” they say, “it’s just <this person> is not the sensitive type I suppose. She/He is overly rational, logic minded, and sometimes just cold. I just wish she/he was the kind of person that I need them to be”.
This is something I see and hear all too often from people from all walks and in all types of situations. Very few understand that we all see the world from a singular perspective, our own. It is our experience, our singular consciousness swimming in a massive pool of other consciousness perspectives that although connected, are also singularly focused. As a result we not only are dealing with our own ego aspect, but the ego aspect that we directly project upon others to which we share our experience.
There is a wise old saying: “What you see in others you despise, lives within you”. It can be no other way; otherwise you would be incapable of even recognizing the behavior at all. How can you relate to a particular behavior you have never experienced, directly or indirectly? It is no different than trying to explain the flavor of a fruit you have never tasted. Try to imagine how this would take place. You would look at the fruit, see its color, its shape, and maybe even smell it, all for the first time. From there you could probably deduce, based on past fruit experience of course, whether this fruit will be sweet, sour, tart, earthy, meaty or juicy, ect. The point being until you bite into it and have your first full experience, it will remain foreign and unknowable to you.
The many aspects of ego are born of the various experiences over a lifetime and throughout our lives. The mind literally creates aspects of personality or reaction in order to best deal with the situation at hand. For example, when a child experiences severe trauma they will develop dissociative personality aspects that give them the mental strength to deal with the situation at hand. This usually comes out later in life as an adult, when we are strong enough to deal with and bring the light of awareness to its typically harmful nature. This of course is a more extreme example, but as above, so below. Every moment we have experiences we are literally creating or calling upon aspects of ego to best deal with said experience. So in dealing with a person and their behavior, reactions, body language, etc. we take what is familiar, our own experience, and apply it to said person.
There is another wise old saying: “Love someone for who they are, not for what you want them to be”. The problem with the above behavior, which most people practice, is they then should prepare to always be disappointed. To be in a place where you expect an outcome is to indirectly always live in fear. As when you expect a particular thing or outcome, being that no one can absolutely predict any outcome absolutely, consciously or unconsciously, you are afraid that it will not be what you expected. Actually, as it usually goes in life, things never turn out the way you planed. This of course gave birth to the saying “get what you need rather than what you want”.
When you align yourself to center, you become a state of allowing. Your awareness simply adapts to whatever flows in or out of your experience. You let go of any and all resistance. Resistance is suffering! By doing this, no matter what experience you are confronted with, by sheer awakening or awareness, you then choose how to best deal with any given situation or interaction. You choose to love someone for who they are, as opposed to expecting them to “Be” what you imagined.
Truthfully, even though you may feel absolutely sure that certain behavior has to mean they are thinking this or feeling that, it’s not possible for you to be “right”. You have not lived that person’s experiences, nor can you truly know their perspective/thinking. You can never truly “know” someone, and as a result, you can never truly know what they are thinking, intending, or even feeling. Maybe what you see as cold, logical, and calculating IS that person’s way of being affectionate. Maybe from their perspective, being “thoughtful” means logically trying to help someone you love solve their problems literally, rather than simply giving a hug and saying comforting words. So when you get angry at them for not doing just that, they are at a complete loss as to why you cannot see just how much they do love you. Since you are so focused on what you want or expect, rather than accepting the gift you are being given, another person’s love, you become consumed with any given aspect of fear – anger, frustration, anxiety, ect. Any and all experiences we have with others are a direct reflection of ourselves in order to learn and know ourselves. So in truth, who you are truly angry or upset with is really you.
Love has no conditions; it is not jealous, it has no expectations, it always sees the beauty in things and never, ever gets angry. This is true love! Remember this and you will always know which direction you are facing. True Love, OR one of the many aspects of Fear.